As I mentioned, Complete Tangent was going on hiatus while I went on a job hunt, and that was literally my 9-5 job for the last 6 weeks. But now, thanks to the good people at Skybox Labs and their discerning taste in designers, the blog is up and running again.
Last we heard Erika and I were in Australia. But how does one get from Australia to Vancouver? By plane of course! And do you know what the best part of flying is? The emergency exit cards!
Yes, I am referring to those little cards they stick in the seat-back in front of you that explain how you're going to survive when your 500 tonnes of plane becomes 500 tonnes of boat. These things are a great source of comedy gold. For example:
What is wrong with this woman's child! Is it a child? Is he the white Gary Coleman? Why did she dress him in beige pants, brown socks, and tan shoes?
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"If you do need to open the emergency exit doors, make sure you do it like the steely-eyed motherf**er that you are."
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"Don't forget to molest women on their way out of the plane. If you happen to see a man who isn't taking advantage of this opportunity, ensure that he is aware the opportunity exists."
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"Well if I can't listen to my AM/FM radio or play with my RC cars what the hell am I supposed to do for the next 15 hours!?"
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Apparently the proper procedure if you are traveling with an infant is to form yourself into the shape of a canon and point the baby's head in the direction the plane is traveling.
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Oh no, hideous child is back! And he's an infant? Wow, that was unexpected. Let's break down the steps to making sure your hideous child can grow up and one day make hideous babies of their own:
STEPS 1-2:
Wait patiently until the flight attendant brings you a life vest for your child. Despite the burning and the screaming your child should be quite quiet and patient during this process, assuming you held them in canon formation during landing.
Carefully jam your child's oversized head through the hole made for someone not shaped like a Lord of the Rings extra. Try not to think of childbirth. Instruct your hideous mistake to step carefully through the leg straps.
STEPS 6-7:
Carefully cinch your man-child into his floatation device. Please note that you should not have attempted to put yours on yet, as that would make you a horrible person.
STEPS 8-9:
Pull on the inflation cords, even though we all know your unruly child would have activated them on their own 5 steps ago. Pretend that you don't see it inflating and blow into the inflation tubes anyway, getting angry when little Damien doesn't go purple from lack of oxygen. Trigger the light on his vest and push him out to sea.
While writing the blog in Australia, a few things caught my eye that didn't quite have a home in a regular blog post. Such as:
Uuuh... are you sure this is a good idea?
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Is Motorola making condoms now?
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Hey, mixed nuts! Wait, what' that in the top left corner?
Oh. Uh, how very... Australian of you.
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"I believe in anarchy so strongly that I'm willing to put up posters and organize people!"
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Good ol' high viz rope. Man that stuff can do anything. See, you can even climb mountains with it!
Oh. Well you could have been clearer in your messaging.
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"Welcome to Australia, where everyone gets out of the water until the helicopter following the shark tells us it's ok to go back in!"
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Oh hey, it's our good friends at Apple! Sure, let's buy an iPad. Dum de dum... it's checkout time! Wait, what's that option at the bottom?
Please tell me that's not what I think it is. Dare I click on it?
Oh wow, that is what I think it is. Just in case you're wallowing in debt but still want the latest toys, Apple lets you split your purchase up over two credit cards. Stay classy Apple, stay classy.
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Finally, just in case you ever wondered where these ideas come from, here's the whiteboard from Sydney... a scary insight into how my mind works:
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