Travel Advisory

And we're back folks!

As I mentioned, Complete Tangent was going on hiatus while I went on a job hunt, and that was literally my 9-5 job for the last 6 weeks. But now, thanks to the good people at Skybox Labs and their discerning taste in designers, the blog is up and running again.

Last we heard Erika and I were in Australia. But how does one get from Australia to Vancouver? By plane of course! And do you know what the best part of flying is? The emergency exit cards!

Yes, I am referring to those little cards they stick in the seat-back in front of you that explain how you're going to survive when your 500 tonnes of plane becomes 500 tonnes of boat. These things are a great source of comedy gold. For example:

What is wrong with this woman's child! Is it a child? Is he the white Gary Coleman? Why did she dress him in beige pants, brown socks, and tan shoes?

__________________________________________________________________________

"If you do need to open the emergency exit doors, make sure you do it like the steely-eyed motherf**er that you are."

__________________________________________________________________________

"Don't forget to molest women on their way out of the plane. If you happen to see a man who isn't taking advantage of this opportunity, ensure that he is aware the opportunity exists."

__________________________________________________________________________

"Well if I can't listen to my AM/FM radio or play with my RC cars what the hell am I supposed to do for the next 15 hours!?"

__________________________________________________________________________

Apparently the proper procedure if you are traveling with an infant is to form yourself into the shape of a canon and point the baby's head in the direction the plane is traveling.

__________________________________________________________________________

Oh no, hideous child is back! And he's an infant? Wow, that was unexpected. Let's break down the steps to making sure your hideous child can grow up and one day make hideous babies of their own:

STEPS 1-2:

Wait patiently until the flight attendant brings you a life vest for your child. Despite the burning and the screaming your child should be quite quiet and patient during this process, assuming you held them in canon formation during landing.

STEPS 3-4:

Carefully jam your child's oversized head through the hole made for someone not shaped like a Lord of the Rings extra. Try not to think of childbirth. Instruct your hideous mistake to step carefully through the leg straps.

STEPS 6-7:

Carefully cinch your man-child into his floatation device. Please note that you should not have attempted to put yours on yet, as that would make you a horrible person.

STEPS 8-9:

Pull on the inflation cords, even though we all know your unruly child would have activated them on their own 5 steps ago. Pretend that you don't see it inflating and blow into the inflation tubes anyway, getting angry when little Damien doesn't go purple from lack of oxygen. Trigger the light on his vest and push him out to sea.

COMPLETE TANGENT:
While writing the blog in Australia, a few things caught my eye that didn't quite have a home in a regular blog post. Such as:

Uuuh... are you sure this is a good idea?

__________________________________________________________________________

Is Motorola making condoms now?

__________________________________________________________________________

Hey, mixed nuts! Wait, what' that in the top left corner?

Oh. Uh, how very... Australian of you.

__________________________________________________________________________

"I believe in anarchy so strongly that I'm willing to put up posters and organize people!"

__________________________________________________________________________

Good ol' high viz rope. Man that stuff can do anything. See, you can even climb mountains with it!

Oh. Well you could have been clearer in your messaging.

__________________________________________________________________________

"Welcome to Australia, where everyone gets out of the water until the helicopter following the shark tells us it's ok to go back in!"

__________________________________________________________________________

Oh hey, it's our good friends at Apple! Sure, let's buy an iPad. Dum de dum... it's checkout time! Wait, what's that option at the bottom?

Please tell me that's not what I think it is. Dare I click on it?

Oh wow, that is what I think it is. Just in case you're wallowing in debt but still want the latest toys, Apple lets you split your purchase up over two credit cards. Stay classy Apple, stay classy.

__________________________________________________________________________

Finally, just in case you ever wondered where these ideas come from, here's the whiteboard from Sydney... a scary insight into how my mind works:

Almost There!

Hey folks! No blog this week as we're pretty busy out here. If you're wondering why, I've supplied a fun word jumble to see if you can work out what's going on. Have fun!

COMPLETE TANGENT:
Ever looked at a big pile of liquor that you thought for sure you'd have time to drink, but you really don't, only it was so expensive that you don't really want to get rid of it, so you simply say "Honey, we can make this happen. Trust me."?

Normally this is where someone jokingly says "Um... me neither" but that's not true. That totally happened.

Signing Your Life Away

You know how when you think of Australia the first thing you think of is deadly animals? Crocs, snakes, spiders, jellyfish... hell, even the large flightless birds have a gigantic claw on their foot that could disembowel a liger.

Well, rest assured that the tourism bureau of Australia is aware of that reputation and desperately hoping to change it. At some point it must have occurred to them that people don't want to go places where they might die and now they're on a mission to downplay the risks associated with the local fauna. For example:

Why don't we look at that again:

What? Crocodile attacks may cause injury? What the hell else would they cause, a hickey? In case you've been living under a rock, this is what a saltwater croc looks like:

You know what actually might happen if you ignore the sign and get attacked while swimming in croc-infested waters? You might get to think "I've made a terrible mistake" in the half-second before you're dragged under. By the way, they're all over the place in Northern Australia and Queensland and one of those places is named Darwin. I don't think that's an accident.

By the way, any of you wondering how effective that sign was?

I kid you not, this photo was taken directly on the other side of that sign. Wow. What's going through these people's heads besides sharp teeth? Maybe they don't understand English? From what I've heard it's always German tourists who get eaten and – putting aside the fact that practically every German speaks English – the Australian government has taken rigorous steps to prevent more German chompings:

Look, I'm all for preventing croc attacks on German tourists, but doesn't this sign need to be WAY more forceful? Come on guys, you need something that screams WENN SIE HIER SCHWIMMEN EIN KROKODIL ESSEN SIE! Something like this:

See, I think that gets the point across with authority! Well, if you're German anyway.

At this point I should mention it's not just the risks of crocodiles that are getting downplayed. Check out this gem (which was an actual sign at the beach):

Ok, I get it. Jellyfish, oh no! But what does that really mean?

That's a lot of text and I want to go swimming. Just tell me if they're dangerous or not.

Oh. Well that does sound bad. I don't like excruciating pain, and death is super inconvenient. Surely there are steps I can take if I should happen to be stung?

Uh, "Treatment involves liberal drenching with vinegar and cardio-pulmonary resuscitation." What? You can't give someone medical care advice that leaps directly from "vigorously rub fish and chips into the wound" all the way to "get yourself hooked up to an artificial lung ASAP!" Shouldn't there be some intermediate steps along the way? Maybe slap them around a little, give 'em a shot of whiskey? That kind of thing. I mean... sweet merciful crap. Shouldn't you be a bit more forceful than "Avoid a painful encounter" when you've got news like this to share?

That said, the dangerous animals of Australia are a national treasure. If you get killed by a crocodile or a box jellyfish there's a pretty good chance it was your fault. And while Cassowaries are dangerous, it's usually the ones who've been fed by humans that end up attacking people. So maybe it wasn't your fault, but it was a person who screwed the animal up all the same.

In fact, people are a bigger threat to Cassowaries than they are to us. The bird is critically endangered and they lose dozens to roadkill incidents every year. That's why you see signs like this around:

Actually that's, um... that's kind of a crappy sign. The top part is fine, but the one on the bottom is a bit budget, isn't it? It looks like Homer Simpson passed out after a costume party. Come to think of it, it reminds me of something else too...

What could it possible be...

Oh come on guys. Really? You have this crazily endangered awesome bird and you try to save a few bucks by repainting speedbump signs to portray a dead Cassowary? Are you joking?

You know what? That's it, I give up. Why are you even bothering? Forget the caution signs, forget the treatment options, forget the warnings about what tourists should or should not do and where they should or should not do it. You've got dangerous crap all over the place, I suggest you hang this in the airport and call it a day:

COMPLETE TANGENT:
I was ranting up a nice stream of righteous indignation about Australians chopping down their rainforest to put up fields of sugarcane and cattle farms when I realized I was eating a cheeseburger and drinking a coke at the time. So I may have been premature in my critique.

Cassowaries are Awesome

No blog post this week, we're on vacation up in Queensland visiting friends, hitting the Great Barrier Reef, and hopefully... more crocodiles! However we did see something awesome already that I thought I'd share because, well, it's just so awesome:

Some facts about Cassowaries:

• They have three dagger-sharp toes that can totally mess you up
• Critically endangered
• There's only 1500-2500 left
• The area we were in is the largest density in Queensland... where there's 40
• Male cassowaries take the female's last name, or something like that. One way or another the female takes off while the dude raises the kids
• The cassowary is the only animal capable of dispersing the seeds of more than 70 different species of tree

Also:

• Sugarcane and cattle are way, way more important than cassowaries are

For your viewing pleasure, I have a video to share as well.

CAUTION: SOME ADULT LANGUAGE (I'm not saying who it was)

Concussions in Football: Fixed

Have you heard about all of the hullabaloo (Ha! Hullabaloo... I don't even have to make jokes if I use that word) about concussions in American Football? (yes, American Football. We have an international audience here at Complete Tangent) It's quite a concern for two concerning concerns:

1. People who played in the NFL are offing themselves at an alarming rate post-career
2. Other players are getting dementia at an alarming rate

My first point of note: How is this a surprise to anyone! You've got 300 pound men firing into each other headfirst 60-70 times a game and clanking melons every single time. And that's just the linemen! Otherwise it's two smaller guys who don't hit as often, but when they do it's by running full speed and hurling themselves head-first into someone else. This is like holding a NASCAR race where half the cars go in one direction and half in the other, then being surprised when there's a car accident.

Obviously this isn't a great thing from a PR standpoint for the league, or a life-expectancy standpoint for the players. And it's not just NFL'ers. Here's a quote from Malcolm Gladwell in an exchange he had with Bill Simmons at Grantland.com (find it here):

"I was recently reading, by the way, about the work of a researcher at Virginia Tech named Stefan Duma who put electronic monitors in the helmets of 7- and 8-year-olds playing Pop Warner football. He found that those kids were routinely getting hits to the head in the 40 to 60 g range, with some even upwards of 80 gs. To put that in perspective, imagine that you put your son in the front seat of your car, told him not to wear a seat belt, and then smashed the car at 25 miles an hour into a brick wall, so that your son's forehead hit the dashboard. That would be 100 g. Then you reverse and do it again, 30 to 40 times over the course of two hours, at speeds between 20 and 25 miles per hour. That's a football game. If you reversed and did it again, 1,000 times, that would be a season. This is massively screwed up..."

Needless to say there's an issue here. Fortunately I'm not a bystander. I'm a man of action! So I fixed the problem. Well actually, I just changed a word and that fixed the problem. Observe:

American Football -> American Football + Australian = Australian Football, aka "Aussie Rules Football".

Aussie Rules is the perfect replacement sport for American Football and I'll tell you why in an overly complex point by point list:

1. No Helmets: I know, I know. This doesn't seem like it fixes the concussion problem. But you know who doesn't hurl themselves head-first into another guy's noggin? Guys who aren't wearing helmets. As a sub-point to this, the players aren't generally running directly at each other, which helps, and there's no linemen. Sure, there's probably more knee and joint stuff but that's better than losing your frigging marbles at 50.
2. Gambling Implications: Let's be honest. The NFL succeeds because of gambling, fantasy football in particular, and a big part of why that is is because of the one-game-a-week format. Same for Aussie Rules! Plus, any player can score so there's a whole new level to the team you field.
3. Increased Handsomeness: You can actually see the player's faces ('cause of the no-helmets) and so you don't have to just cheer for a number on a jersey. This translates into increased marketability for everyone.
4. High Scoring: Games regularly go over 100 points (6 points for a goal, 1 for an almost-goal) so there's always something interesting going on.
5. Way Less Down-Time: For all of the similarities in play to NFL, the actual timing is more like soccer. Four 20-minute quarters where the clock just runs, then a bit of time added on by the ref based on injury or scoring.
6. Humour: The trainers run out and give water to the players during the game. Just the mere chance of a trainer getting blown up by a 6'3" 230lbs guy running at top speed is worth it to me. And let's just pretend I didn't say that during a post about concussion avoidance.
7. Free-Flowing: There's way more movement and creativity in an Aussie Rules match. It's more like hockey or soccer that way. Y'know, if you're into that kind of thing.

That's why I think Australian Rules Football could replace American Rules Football. By the way, this is as likely to happen as the aforementioned 2-way NASCAR race.


COMPLETE TANGENT:
I would like to wish a fond farewell to my razor. He was a great one, left it all in the sink. I remember when I first took him out of the package... it seemed like just another day. An in-game replacement back in January and barely an afterthought at the time. But week-in, week-out he kept showing up to the shave. Never took a day off. It wasn't until March that I realized we had something special going on.

I'll be honest with you - I didn't believe he'd keep it up. It was unthinkable! But I didn't factor in his desire; that passion for shaving I'd never seen before and never will again. This razor was Cal Ripkin Jr, Jahangir Khan, and Yasuhiro Yamashita all rolled into one. He was born to shave.

If I had to share an anecdote it would be two shaves last May. He faltered and we all held our collective breaths... there was a cut. Was this the end? If it were anyone other razor we would have pulled him right away. That's a career ending injury! Even though the call was close we ultimately decided that his months of service deserved another chance and he paid back that loyalty with weeks more of solid duty.

When the streak finally ended last week my razor had put in over 20 weeks of service to the organization, the fans, and all of his medicine cabinet teammates. He will be fondly remembered as a role model not only to other young razors, but to all of us with a dream and the will to make it happen.

Saltwater Crocodiles are Awesome

I had the best birthday ever on Sunday, and my birthday isn't until the end of June! It wasn't even supposed to be a birthday celebration, but if I were to plan out the best birthday ever, that would have been it. Let me outline the events that occurred and we'll see if you can spot my favourite part:

1. We went to the Australian Reptile Park and saw a saltwater crocodile leap 6 feet in the air to eat a hunk of chicken
2. We had tasty and cheap dumplings for dinner
3. I ate a gigantic chocolate sundae while everyone else at the table stared in disbelief that I was able to jam the whole thing down

I see a lot of hands up in the air for #3, but you're wrong. Saltwater croc wins hands-down. This was without question one of the most awesome things I've seen in my entire life. I could get on the plane right now and go home and this trip would still feel like a fantastic success.

Snake!:
It wasn't just the croc either, there was lots of awesome stuff at the reptile park. For instance, have you ever seen a more snakey looking snake than this guy?

Seriously, this guy came with his own ladder. He offered me an apple while I was there. Baloo and Bagheera showed up and did a song with him (okay, maybe I got too obscure with the Jungle Book reference). Still, awesome looking snake.

Turtle!:

This was a Galapagos tortoise who was totally not content to just chill out in his pen. He was booking it around in a circle, and Erika couldn't help but take a dozen photos of him. Actually, this is probably a better representation of him:

He's even turning left like he's a NASCAR racer (by the way, every photo in the history of NASCAR is taken from the exact same camera angle. Seriously, Google image it).

Alligators!:

The alligators are right there when you enter the place too. It's a huge pen with a ton of gators... pretty cool to see them just chilling out up there. There's a walkway near the water where some of them were hanging out and guess what... this is what Erika is studying!

Sorry, let me zoom in so you can tell better:

Okay, so maybe it's not as cool as the alligator. But hey Erika likes fish, and it's at least near a gator, and... well... okay, touchy subject. It's probably best if I just move on.


And now for the main event!
I don't mind telling you that this was so awesome I'm just going to throw out a bunch of photos out there and not even try to make jokes. How cool are these!

Just chilling out

Don't mind me, I'm just a log. Nothing to see here.

If you look close he's actually staring at the guy, not the chicken

He's going for it!

RAAAAR!!!

CHOMP!

C'mon people, this is awesome! My favourite shot by far is this one though:

One ass-kicking reptile, coming up

That is one mo-fo of a crocodile! By the way, am I a bad person for kinda, maybe, sorta hoping to see the croc go after the guy instead of the chicken? Only like 3%, but still.

That was my visit to the Australian Reptile Park. It was fantastic. Y'know, in case you couldn't tell.


COMPLETE TANGENT:
Can someone explain to me why my Toilet Duck kills 99.9% of the germs in my toilet bowl? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's some guy in the R&D department at Toilet Duck Incorporated who worked really hard to find a way to get the Toilet Duck formula from killing 99.5% of the germs up to 99.9% of the germs and his boss was super impressed so he got to go home and tell his wife about how Toilet Duck is now 0.4% more effective because of him and this could mean a big promotion and then they both went out for a fancy dinner to celebrate - but let's be realistic. It's a toilet! Why do I care about germs? It's not like I'm making kimchi in there! And I hate to break it to you R&D guy, but I'm one cheese sandwich away from inflicting my 100% effective germ creating power on that same toilet.

It's probably cheaper to just clean the thing with vinegar.