The Nefarious Tactics of Brazilian BBQ

Quick aside to start things off: Complete Tangent now has its own URL: www.completetangent.ca. So yay me! Also, there are now no restrictions on posting, you don't need to be logged in anywhere and I know some people got annoyed. So post away if you're so inclined. Now back to our regularly scheduled blogging:

Last weekend we went to a Brazilian BBQ place, a first-time experience for me. In case you aren't familiar with this experience it is as follows:

1. Pay a flat price.
2. Desperately try to cram $45 worth of meat into your face-hole.

While this is the concept in it's simplicity, I think we can all agree that any business plan revolving around giving the customer as much as they want of the most expensive thing on the menu is not one destined for success. So the only hope a restaurant like this has for ensuring financial gain is to make sure that no matter how much meat you plan to eat, you never achieve that goal. And the way they do this is through the Nefarious Tactics.

Let's all just pause for a moment and remember that they're better at this than you. You're going to walk in there thinking "Man, they are going to have to cart me out of there in a wheelbarrow, it's gonna be great." No, that's not going to happen. You can try and implement the plan, but they will mitigate their losses somehow using one of the tactics below. So while it is my hope that this post will be of some help in giving you the meat sweats and keytone-induced headache you're looking for; it's going to require a championship effort on your part just to break even. But you need the knowledge first, so let's have at it:

Nefarious Tactic #1: The Cheese Ball
"Hello sir! So glad to have you with us tonight. It is a Brazilian custom that I first provide you with the traditional breaded cheese ball to start your evening. I will also remain here to watch you consume it. Eventually you will become so uncomfortable that you will eat it no matter what your intentions. It is tradition!*"

This is how they start the evening - with a small lump of condensed fat. As we all know, cheese kills appetite, and they mask this meat-reducing fat ball under the guise of tradition. Don't listen! Feign lactose intolerance!


Nefarious Tactic #2: Sides
"Here is the menu of side dishes. I would suggest maybe the rice? Or possibly some black beans?"
"Do you have any salad?"
"Certainly sir! I shall bring you five plates of our excellent potato salad."

Side dishes are a full-on meat blocker. If they can find any way to jam some cheap carbs into you they'll do it, knowing that you're going to feel as though you should order something to go with your meat. And if you go all leafy-green on them they can still fire up...


Nefarious Tactic #3: The Unordered Side Dishes
"They are complementary! Everyone gets these, it wouldn't be Brazilian BBQ without them!"

Here are the four sides that we got without even ordering. They give them to everyone whether they want them or not, knowing people will feel obligated to try them:

1. Tomato Salsa - Not a bad one. Just meant to accentuate the meats. It can't all be a ploy after all.
2. Pimentas Malaguetta, AKA Brazilian Chillies - Like the Salsa, also fine. Hey, maybe I was wrong about this stuff!
3. Farofa, AKA Roasted Cassava Flour - Say whaaat? Roasted flour? How is that ever a good idea? By the way, if you didn't know what Cassava is, it's a woody carbohydrate root similar to a really starchy potato. Just what you want when you're looking for a meat belly, right?
4. Deep fried Banana, Cassava, and Polenta - If you had any questions about what is going on here, this should clear things right up. That's three - count them, THREE - different kinds of carbs that have been deep fried for crying out loud. It's like three different kinds of potato chips! FYI, none of these things are as expensive as meat.

So that's it for the non-meat-stick group. Now let's look at what tactics are employed on the meat sticks themselves:


Nefarious Tactic #4: The "Are you kidding me?" Meats
"Sir, you have never tried chicken hearts? That is the most delightful part of the chicken! Really, you should try several, just so you may say you have. If that is not to your liking, I understand. If it is not too much to ask though, would you mind if I inquire whether your wife would like the company of a real man this evening? What a silly question... of course you would not mind! You would not even eat a chicken heart!"

I'm not kidding here. There was a guy walking around with chicken hearts, and he was bee-lining it to the most buff alpha-dogs he could find. You'd see a short conversation, then the waiter would shrug, followed by the guy getting a macho look and a mouthful of chicken heart. Yeahhhh... not sure I need to be that macho. Besides, I had a grilled-cheese and chicken heart sandwich for lunch so I was all good.


Nefarious Tactic #5: Garlic Bread Guy
"Gaaaarlic bread... gaaaarlic bread! Who wants garlic bread? You do. So do you. That whole table does. It's garlic bread! GARLIC BREAD FOR EVERYONE!"

I like garlic bread as much as the next guy, probably much, much, much more to be honest. But I was not going to be seduced by the buttery goodness of garlic bread. Make sure you're not either.


The Coup de Grace Nefarious Tactic: The Pineapple Finisher
"Everyone at this table is going to eat this pineapple right now. RIGHT NOW!"

This is the one that finally got me. They bring out this roasted pineapple on a stick that's covered in cinnamon and sugar, then carve off big hunks for everyone to mow down on. It's absolutely fantastic and they will jam as much of it into you as they can. The reason this is the most nefarious of the nefarious tactics is because they know that once you've had the deliciously sweet pineapple, the idea of chowing back some beef ribs suddenly feels unpalatable. I think there's some sort of formula they employ that leads to a guy in some back room screaming "I need a pineapple stopper on Table 14 STAT!" once a group gets too close to their meat/profit threshold.
That said, I'm pretty proud that I made them bring out the Pineapple Finisher three times.

So now you're well informed for the next time you go to Brazilian BBQ.

*I'd like to point out that I have absolutely no idea how to write in a Portuguese accent so I'm just going with what I think is funniest.


COMPLETE TANGENT:
I recognize that everyone gets old. Hey, it happens. It's not like I'm a doddering old man mind you, and I still have a full head of hair (shut it Morphy). I creak a little more than usual, but I also severely abused my body in the judo years so that's to be expected. But for the love of god can't I just go a whole night's sleep without getting up to go pee? At what age did my bladder suddenly morph into that of a 9-year old girl on a long car ride?

I now average one pee every 2 hours at night... every 2 hours! That's insane! I'll go 12 hours during the daytime and not pee, but now I can't go a measly 120 minutes while I'm sleeping? Am I sleep-guzzling water? Am I unconsciously standing at the sink with my eyes closed in the middle of the night while repeatedly refilling a 4L milk jug with water and knocking it back, only to stumble into my bed and wake up thinking "Man, I really gotta go"?

No! That's not it at all! And do you know how I know? Because I wake up every morning feeling completely dehydrated. It's like I spent the entire night eating dust and ground-up sponges! So now I'm wandering around in the night, eating dust and ground-up sponges, shunning water, and only returning to bed every two hours so I can wake up and go pee.

Getting old sucks.


MINI-TANGENT:
Last week I wrote about how ridiculous it is that in tennis they would use a word like "Love" to represent a number instead of just using the number itself. And then I thought about Canadian coins: penny, nickel, dime, quarter, loonie, toonie. Yeah, so... people in glass houses.

Tennis Scoring is Hella Weird

Wimbeldon is fantastic. I get sucked in most years, although I was a bit bummed this year since the time difference meant I wasn't able to watch much of it (although Erika and I did see some when we were in Jervis Bay - see below). I've been watching it since I was a kid... and I still don't understand why they score it the way they do. Shouldn't this be easy to work out in today's age of knowledge-at-the-fingertips internet? Nope, not here.

Scoring in tennis: Love, 15, 30, 40. Tie at 40 and it's Deuce. Score and you have Advantage, score again and you win, otherwise it's back to Deuce for you.

What? Is there another sport on the planet that uses a word instead of a number?

Commentator 1:  Well Jim, that was quite the touchdown.

Commentator 2:  You bet Bob. That puts them up 12 to Horseradish. Gonna be tough to dig themselves out of that hole.

Commentator 1:  You can say that again Jim.

In a quest to determine the origins of this bizarre scoring system I resorted to the internet. It appears as though there's two competing theories. Why are there more than one? Shouldn't it be common knowledge within the world of tennis why their scoring works this way? Nope. Regardless, the one thing everyone agrees on is that it's French. You can insert your own joke here.

THEORY A: The Clock-Face
Yes, this idea revolves around the idea that they used a gigantic clock to do the scoring, thus the 15, 30, 45... once around and you win the game. Except that they use 40, not 45. That was so they could do the whole Deuce thing by making it 40, then 50, then... WHY ARE YOU USING A CLOCK TO SCORE YOUR SPORT? Am I insane for thinking this is the most ridiculous idea in the world? Numbers were invented 5000 years ago, just use those! Kids playing H.O.R.S.E. with a basketball use a more logical system than incorporating a clock into your sport in any way that doesn't involve "keeping time". Let's move on.

THEORY B: The Jeu de Paume Argument
This one makes so much more sense than Theory A that I don't even know why Theory A exists.
It goes like this: There's this French sport called jeu de paume that tennis came from; it kind of looks like barehanded tennis. Each player started 45 feet from the net. Win a point and you move 15 feet closer. Win again and you get another 15 feet. One more point and you only get 10 feet, because now you're 5 feet from the net.

How is Theory A even on the table at this point? Everything about Theory B totally explains the scoring in a perfectly logical and coherent manner. I'm officially putting Theory A to bed. Attention Clock Theory supporters: You are now officially lumped in with people who don't think NASA put a man on the moon, that Obama wasn't born in Hawaii, or who think fluoride is a mind-control substance the government puts in the water.

None of this, of course, explains the use of the term "Love" to indicate zero. Here's the theories on that riddle:

THEORY M: The Egg
This is based on the idea that the word "Love" sounds like l'oef, aka the French word for egg. Because, y'know, a zero looks like an egg. Why on earth would you opt to use a word that looks like the number instead of the word that means the number?

Commentator 1:  GOOOOAAAAAAAL!!!

Commentator 2:  That was absolutely incredible Bob! Really fantastic. With that goal the score is now Sideways Mickey Ears - Pencil, and I think that in getting up by a Swan they've really put this game out of reach.

THEORY N: The Hour
This says that it's because Love sounds like l'heure, or "Hour", instead of egg. Thus, according to Theory A (the clock face), you are "on the hour" at the start of a game. This sounds more reasonable than the egg theory, but has to be ruled out anyway because we already know that Theory A is only for conspiracy theorists.

One more note on Theories M and N. The French refer to "Love" as Zéro. In case you don't speak French, that's "Zero" in English. Sooo... yeah. If the French don't say egg or hour, and instead use the actual number, I'm not sure why these theories exist in the first place.

THEORY O: The Dutch
Somehow it's been proposed that the the Dutch are responsible in that Love comes from "iets voor lof doen", which apparently means "to do something for praise, implying no monetary stakes". This argument makes not even a shred of sense, and I can only assume it appeared in Europe at roughly the same time opium did.

THEORY P: Let's Hug It Out
This one says that at the start of the game the players still have love for each other. In short, we don't have any idea why they use the word "Love". Every idea is equally bizarre.


I have additional  theories on the term "Deuce", but I'll keep them to myself. I'm trying to reduce the number of bathroom references in this blog.


COMPLETE TANGENT:

Erika and I went down to Jervis Bay and saw kangaroos:

I know this looks fun and all, but look at the freaking claws on that kangaroo! Seriously folks, a kangaroo can eff you up. Not only does it have the wicked werewolf claws in the front, but also the mean-ass single, long claw on its hind legs that I can only assume are for disemboweling foolish children. I think kangaroos are secretly meat-eaters.

They look fun when they're hopping though:

It was a good time.

The Burning House

Through the wonders of facebook I have been introduced to the greatest humour site on the internet. It is called The Burning House: http://theburninghouse.com/

On this site, people are supposed to list what they would take with them if their house were on fire. I suppose this is supposed to be an exercise in what really matters to you as a person, but there is one little wrinkle a lot of these people ignored: YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

Based on that sole criteria, this is the funniest concoction of mistaken priorities I have ever seen. Maybe it's just because Erika and I have been robbed so many times but good lord - two people said they'd take their lip balm! Lip balm? You're grabbing lip balm? Do you have any idea how hot a house fire burns? 800 degrees! Do you know what the heat is where your skin will explode into a showery rain of bone chips and bacon fat? Here's a tip: It's not 800 degrees! No wonder you need lip balm.

Let's walk through some lists and see if we can't help pare them down a little. Remember: These are things that you're prepared to pause and look for while burning timbers are crashing around you and flames are licking at your Birkenstocks (out of respect for the people who've posted I have changed their names):

Contestant #1

Name: Emma Packrat
Age: 22
Location: Herefordshire
Occupation:Student/photographer/writer
LIST:

• Olympus OM10, it’s light and I could get the images developed anywhere without assistance from a computer.
• Well that didn't take long. Folks, back up your stuff off-site. FYI, plenty of places to do it for free; Microsoft Skydrive and Amazon Cloud Drive spring to mind. Not exactly fly-by-night companies. "But I don't like Big Corporations" you say. Really? More than you dislike your flesh burning? That's a hell of a vendetta.
• Ipod
• mm'kay. I'm thinking Apple has made more than one of these things.
• Phone
• Pretty sure the neighbors are calling 911 already, but if it's by the door I'll give you a pass.
• Purse
• I've seen women's purses - this is the equivalent of me saying I'd grab "my stuff". How big is your purse? What's in it? Good lord, for all I know you've got a pup tent in that thing.
• Car Keys
• Meh... once again, if they're on the way out. Besides, if you can't find them they're probably in your purse.
• My journal of current
• Hmm... not conventional English. Tough to make a call here.
• A Wreck this journal
• Wait, you're going to wreck the journal you just grabbed? Why? The fire would have done that for you! This woman must be a spy, it's the only reason you would grab something from a fire for the express reason of making sure it was destroyed.
• 3 notes books which hold ideas for my current book
• Is your book titled "20 Ways to Waste Time in a Burning House"?
• I'll cut her some slack here, it would suck to lose those if a lot of work went into them. Of course, I wouldn't bump into this problem because a) I do everything digitally since I type 970x faster than I write, and b) There is no b.
• A Buddha - Just to keep me grounded
• I don't know how enlightened this choice is.
• A writing book folder that holds all letters from Salma, along with writing pad,pens(selection of colours, envelopes and stamps. There is also a black notebook.
• I don't know who Salma is so I'll assume she meant Santa. I hate to break it to you honey, but there is no Santa. Ouch... at 22 that's gotta hurt. Not as much as hell's devilish flames though.
• Book -  The Works of Alfred Lord Tennyson
• Sorry, could you say that again?
• Book -  The Works of Alfred Lord Tennyson
• That's what I thought you said. Look, I know how awesome it looks to have this on your list, but I could have Alfred Lord Tennyson himself in my house and I wouldn't grab him.
• Hardrive
• Sigh... just back-up offsite ok? If not can you at least put this by the door?
• Selection of family photos.
• You may want to select them beforehand. Just sayin'.
• I would have included a pet in this but I couldn’t decide between the 7 dogs our family has accumulated over the last 10 years.
• Let me get this straight. Your phone, purse, car keys, camera, photos, books... dear god, all of it ranks ahead of living breathing animals? For crying out loud, are you telling me that you're saving photos of animals you left behind to burn? Good lord. The least you could do is keep a Yorkie in your purse at all times, just in case.
• Now I would have said  my macbook, digital pentax camera and various other things but I feel that they way me down and I always have insurance- this list of things as something that could not be replaced with the memories and ideas they hold.
• Here's a tip: The only things that actually hold a memory in the literal sense is the dogs, and their last memory is going to be of you condemning them to a flaming demise.

Contestant #2

Name: Amanda Huginkiss
Age: 23
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Occupation: Artist
LIST:

• My boyfriend Guy. (not pictured.) - For living love.
• First person on the website to include another human being. That might mean something. At any rate, no complaints with this one. And you didn't need to specify that it was a guy, we're non-judgmental over here at Complete Tangent.
• A Prism- See artwork (above).
• Yeaaahhh... not so sure including it in the picture is gonna change my opinion here.
• A picture of my mother from pre-Islamic revolution Iran, before they made her wear a headscarf.  -She is a Leo, and has a head of prize-worthy hair.
• That's totally fine, although the astrological comment seems a bit random.
• A Yemenese bedouin necklace found in Egypt. - To touch the hands of other lands.
• You found it because someone lost it. They got over it, so will you.
• 6 copies of the Theosophist from 1919. - To keep it mystical.
• Hmm... maybe the astrological stuff wan't such an aberration. Look, I'm gonna drop some knowledge for this girl. When the building is burning, you don't need six copies of anything, let alone a magazine about theosophy. And I don't even know what that is. 
• Passport/Wallet/Car Keys - To keep on the move.
• Ok, you get a pass. But only because they keep you on the move.
• Thoth tarot deck from the year I was born, given to me by my friend’s mother. - For divination.
• You're into fortune telling? Let me try: "You're going to burn to death".
• My Yashica t4 with a waist level viewfinder and Canon AE-1 with a telephoto lens.  - For spying and secrets.
• What is it with spies on this website? Also, maybe consider house insurance?
• Undeveloped film - Must have just been shot because I never let it sit for long.  Well, because I never sit for long.
• Yes... let's salvage things when YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE!
• My external hard drive with copies of all the artwork I’ve ever made. - To prove I have existed, do exist and will keep existing.
• All together everyone: "OFF-SITE BACKUP!"
• My All-Saints leather motorcycle jacket. - It’s probably already on my person.
• Motorcycle jackets are meant to protect you in the event of an accident. I'm gonna say that dying in a fire because you were looking for one is pretty ironic.
• Watercolor set. - Because painting is meditation.
• Absolutely. How would one ever go about replacing a watercolour set?
• A hand carved bamboo flute given to me by my lover Guy from a rasta man at the farmer’s market.
• I honestly can't improve on that joke.
• A mini sized copy of The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. - For the reminder of universal truths.
• Here's another universal truth: You can buy everything on Amazon. $2.00 used, I looked it up.
• My vintage Zeiss Ikon and Kodak Retinette - Because I like my images exposed improperly, blurry and dreamy.
• I think you might be getting smoke inhalation already.
• My Moleskine notebook - For the mark of man is the mark of culture.
• Amazon, $9.60.
• An original copy of In Search of The Miraculous - Because I too, am a student of Gurdjieff.
• Pretty much par for the course at this point.
• A Turquoise, Coral, and Lapis Lazuli necklace handmade for me by a Sikh in Rishikesh, India. To balance my creative energies.
• You better get really creative about ways to get out of your house at this point.
• My Macbook Pro Laptop, iPhone & iPod- Because this is the temporary contemporary human condition.
• Well this one's a stunner. You're telling me that someone who saves prisms from burning fires, paints watercolours, and is into philosophy, photography, and fortune-telling; is also a Mac person? I never would have thought! I mean, what else says artsy and counterculture like buying electronics for 25% above competitor prices from the world's largest tech company who pays their store staff crap wages, has factories in China where there are fences on the roof so people will stop killing themselves at work, and who's entire business model is based on planned obsolescence of goods so that you're throwing stuff in the garbage at the fastest possible rate, not to mention forcing any companies who build apps for their platforms to give them 30% of their profits. But hey, at least you're counterculture because your laptop is white and has a cool logo on it JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S AT THE STARBUCKS!
• Sorry... I've needed to get that off my chest for a while.
• A hand-paintedtaxidermied seahorse in a glass bottle. - I made two of these, it’s counterpart is with a very special person.
• Why would you paint a taxidermied seahorse?
• Wild Rose Spray - Because I don’t want to smell like smoke after the escape.
• I hate to break it to you honey - you're not escaping.

Contestant #3

Name: Rafael Naganamakitoutalive
Age: 22
Location: Guaiba, RS - BR
Occupation: quality inspector (ed - sweet, sweet irony)
LIST:

• Dani Löble’s drumstick, Helloween drummer
• No, gone. Off the team.
• Photo of the class 302, PREMEM 2006
• You'll always have the memories Rafa, but only if you leave it behind
• Necktie of 15 years Mariah’s party in Campinas
• Only if you're wearing it.
• Aline Lima correspondence of RJ
• This must be code... damn spies. I shall respond in kind: Uptight the stickbug, peru, Peru.
• Mug of aluminum FESTIVAL of CHOPP, FELIZ 2007
• A mug? Why the hell would you want a mug?
• Cup of coffee
• Oh, I see. To hold your coffee. I don't think you understand the rate at which fire burns.
• Screwdrivers, Phillips screwdriver and wire cutter
• Where do you live? Are you getting out of your house or escaping from a prison camp?
• Tennis football
• I don't know what this is, but it better be made out of one large diamond.
• GRÊMIO t-shirt
• I'm beginning to question the quality of the things you inspect.
• A bottle of tequila Jose Cuervo
• I notice that the bottle in the picture is half-empty. I can only assume you drank the other half while making this list. For future reference though, if you're going to save tequila from a fire at least make sure it's not the worst tequila on the planet. This is the equivalent of me racing back into my burning home so I can grab that six-pack of Old Milwaukee sitting behind the milk.
• Boxing gloves
• Do you have any idea what can and can't be purchased in stores?
• Bag with a digital camera
• I'm close to giving up on this guy.
• Tennis bull terrier
• I don't know if that's a dog, but I'm going to assume it is just so I can give this guy one in the "win" column.
• Targus Backpack
• Sigh...
• HP12C Calculator
• "Let's see... 394,200,000 breaths remaining in my life, minus 394,199,996..."
• Muay thai t-shirt
• It better help you kick your way through the burning timbers.
• ticket of Helloween & Stratovarius show
• Dude really likes Helloween.
• Bracelet mezzanine of the show’s Helloween & Stratovarius
• Ok, you need to chill on the Helloween.
• Pencil and eraser
• WTF?
• Helloween album, Keeper of the Seven Keys Part I
• Shouldn't you also be saving the membership list for your Helloween fan club?
• Avantasia album, The Scarecrow
• I'm not familiar with Helloween's work, but The Scarecrow sure sounds like it could be one of their albums.
• Mobile Sansumg with headphones
• For the record, if you ever buy a phone that says it was made by "Sansumg" it may not be a knock-off, it's just that this guy was handling quality inspection.

Finally, let's finish with one guy who gets it right. I'm even using his real name:

Our Winner

Name: Max Piantoni
Age: 23
Location: Melbourne, Australia.
Occupation: Artist

List:

• Escape Plan (very important).
• My life’s work (on a hard drive).
• A Dodo I made (for a series of pictures).

I'll even give him a pass on the dodo. It's pretty sweet.


INCOMPLETE TANGENT:
For the record, here's my list of things I would grab in the event of a fire:

• Erika
• My meds

That's the end of the list. Even the meds are negotiable if they aren't easily accessible. Granted, I may end up having my martinis Bond-style for a couple of weeks*, but that's a hell of a lot better than going up like a roman candle. You can't eff-around with open flames when you're as hairy as I am.


*Note that not everyone will get that joke. I'm pretty sure Craig will though.

Fashion and Iron Chef are Basically the Same Thing

Have you ever noticed that the world of fashion is essentially one gigantic episode of Iron Chef? They run four episodes a year: Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter.

If you don't believe me, check this out and see whether you think I'm wrong:

THE EPISODE OPENS:
We are introduced to the "host" who will be deciding the style/food that will be this year's challenge. The person who makes this introduction is crazily dressed and may or may not be insane:

Superstar Clothing Designer

Iron Chef Chairman

THE CHALLENGE IS PRESENTED:
This "host" then declares to the viewing public what will be this year's challenge for the world's designers/episode's chefs:

You WILL bare the midriff

I think the caption above says it all

THE MAD SCRAMBLE BEGINS:
Chaos ensues as the designers/chefs from some of the worlds most notable retailers/restaurants try to get their clothes/meals on the shelves/plates before the fad/episode is over:

Hand hurts... must work faster!

I just cut off my pinkie... I hope he didn't notice

DIFFERENTIATION:
Along the way, the different designers/chefs search for inspiration to give their store/meal an edge over the others:

I like these ruffles... I can work with this

For the love of... what is that? Is it edible? Maybe I
should use it. Oh god, I hope I don't kill anyone...

THE RESULTS:
In the end, each designer puts out their fashion line/dishes and hopes for the best:

Crop top battle entries

Sturgeon battle entries

JUDGING:
Once completed, the entries are placed before a panel of judges. While those judges are often men:

"The one on the left is great!"
"I know, that's why you're taking the one on the right."

"This is alright, but I'd try anything once just
so I could say that I did it."

In reality the harshest critiques come from women:

"She looks pretty good in that...
because she's a WHORE!"

"With the choices you made I would say you did very well.
I was just wondering though... what made you
decide to include feces as an ingredient?

THE RESULTS:
In the end a winner is declared:

"Yay! I get to keep my job!"

"Yay! I get to keep my job!"

THE REALITY:
In the end though, people who have highly specific tastes in fashion/food tend to be disappointed by that season/episode's offerings. As always: The less refined your tastes, the more likely you are to have your needs met:

A man had a heart attack and died while eating here.
I'm not making that up.

If you don't think fashion has a lot in common with Iron Chef by now, I don't think I'll ever be able to convince you.

*Side note: I wanted to put in a "Success/Failure" section, which would have been easy for the food dish (sturgeon ice cream? really?), but would have ended up pretty judgmental for the clothing. That said, I think we can all agree on what a "failure" would look like for someone wearing a crop-top. We're all picturing that? Yeah? Okay, just so we're clear. By the way, apparently crop tops really are the look for Summer 2012. God help us all.


INCOMPLETE TANGENT:
This post may seem like a bunch of pictures thrown together, but holy hell did I have to look at an ass-ton of photos to put this thing together.

"Oh poor Paul," you say. "Having to look at all those pictures of beautiful women on the runway."

NO! This was not fun! Have you ever seen the preying mantis' who model clothing nowadays? Ask Erika - I was physically sickened by having to look at shots of these painfully skinny women. And they're only like that because they wouldn't have jobs otherwise. You may have noticed that I stopped swearing in this blog, but if ever I were to break it out again, now's the time. So here it is... wait for it...


WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE FASHION INDUSTRY!


I know I'm not the first one to make this point before, but for the love of all that is good and holy why is this allowed to continue? And I'm talking to you women - the ones who buy the fashion magazines that ask people to distort their bodies for the... uh... to create a... um, a moneymaking...


Oh shit. Didn't I just write an article about how the NFL asks players to damage their bodies in ridiculous ways but the audience doesn't care - we demand 300 pound linemen, post-concussion syndrome, and people with re-re-re-repaired knees going out on the field for our own enjoyment? And am I going to drop out of my fantasy football league because of this revelation?

Sadly, no. So I guess until I stop watching football I'll just have to keep my mouth shut.

Sigh. Sometimes people suck.

For the Kids!

So I know you've all been wondering the same thing for quite some time: When can I get a Complete Tangent action figure?

You'd think this stuff would be easy, what with the demand and all, but you try dealing with Mattel and getting the licensing sorted out. They want a bigger cut, or they want to compromise on the designs... blah blah blah. The big issue is that there's kids out there who've been asking their parents for the Paul "Writers in Action" Series A to come out and I feel like I'm letting them down. Let's be honest, nobody wants to make little kids cry.

To remedy the issue in the meantime I've decided to put together a paper-doll cut-out that you can print off and give to your kids so they can experience the wonder of a writer's life and put themselves into the action. It's fun and educational!

This is the completely attired Complete Tangent paper doll, with two sweaters, a T-shirt, track pants, and pajama pants. All of the component parts appear at the end of the post, but let's walk through everything as it will look once your kids put it together. After all, there's so many possibilities!

Let's first look at the completely accurate base model:

As you can see, writing is quite good for your health, although I probably need to work on the arms a bit.

There are two pantal options for the lower body that your kids can mix-and-match, and depending on temperature they can attire the doll in one, the other, or both. By the way, it's not actually cold here, it's just that when you sit motionless for 9 hours you tend to cool down.

Track Pants

PJ Pants

Upper body they can go with the T-shirt:

The orange hoody:

Or even the classic 343 Industries zip-up hoodie:

And of course there's both the orange and gray hoodies together:

If they feel like their paper doll needs even more warmth they can throw on a classic "Charlotte Hasebe knitted toque", which are really quite fantastic:

Since kids do like to play, I'm sure that at some point they'll just put the gray hoodie on with nothing underneath, which is admittedly not a common look around Complete Tangent Inc:

In the event that this option is a favourite of your child's I recommend considering the optional chest-hair for that authentic Paul look (sold separately):

Finally, we have some fantastic accessories, such as the Official Complete Tangent Canucks coffee mug and $2 K-Mart tea mug:

If you hurry, we'll even throw in the special bonus offer bottle of Jameson's that accompanies the blue "tea" mug for full writing authenticity!

Have fun kids!


COMPLETE TANGENT:
The whales come up the Australian coast every year and if you're lucky you can see them. Erika and I went on a hike out to a point right on the ocean just in case we'd see any, although we had a combined 0.01% confidence we'd see anything. So you can imagine how surprised we were when we saw this whale spout off in the distance:

But then this happened and it was totally awesome!

CUT-OUTS:
Enjoy kids!

Concussions in Football: Fixed

Have you heard about all of the hullabaloo (Ha! Hullabaloo... I don't even have to make jokes if I use that word) about concussions in American Football? (yes, American Football. We have an international audience here at Complete Tangent) It's quite a concern for two concerning concerns:

1. People who played in the NFL are offing themselves at an alarming rate post-career
2. Other players are getting dementia at an alarming rate

My first point of note: How is this a surprise to anyone! You've got 300 pound men firing into each other headfirst 60-70 times a game and clanking melons every single time. And that's just the linemen! Otherwise it's two smaller guys who don't hit as often, but when they do it's by running full speed and hurling themselves head-first into someone else. This is like holding a NASCAR race where half the cars go in one direction and half in the other, then being surprised when there's a car accident.

Obviously this isn't a great thing from a PR standpoint for the league, or a life-expectancy standpoint for the players. And it's not just NFL'ers. Here's a quote from Malcolm Gladwell in an exchange he had with Bill Simmons at Grantland.com (find it here):

"I was recently reading, by the way, about the work of a researcher at Virginia Tech named Stefan Duma who put electronic monitors in the helmets of 7- and 8-year-olds playing Pop Warner football. He found that those kids were routinely getting hits to the head in the 40 to 60 g range, with some even upwards of 80 gs. To put that in perspective, imagine that you put your son in the front seat of your car, told him not to wear a seat belt, and then smashed the car at 25 miles an hour into a brick wall, so that your son's forehead hit the dashboard. That would be 100 g. Then you reverse and do it again, 30 to 40 times over the course of two hours, at speeds between 20 and 25 miles per hour. That's a football game. If you reversed and did it again, 1,000 times, that would be a season. This is massively screwed up..."

Needless to say there's an issue here. Fortunately I'm not a bystander. I'm a man of action! So I fixed the problem. Well actually, I just changed a word and that fixed the problem. Observe:

American Football -> American Football + Australian = Australian Football, aka "Aussie Rules Football".

Aussie Rules is the perfect replacement sport for American Football and I'll tell you why in an overly complex point by point list:

1. No Helmets: I know, I know. This doesn't seem like it fixes the concussion problem. But you know who doesn't hurl themselves head-first into another guy's noggin? Guys who aren't wearing helmets. As a sub-point to this, the players aren't generally running directly at each other, which helps, and there's no linemen. Sure, there's probably more knee and joint stuff but that's better than losing your frigging marbles at 50.
2. Gambling Implications: Let's be honest. The NFL succeeds because of gambling, fantasy football in particular, and a big part of why that is is because of the one-game-a-week format. Same for Aussie Rules! Plus, any player can score so there's a whole new level to the team you field.
3. Increased Handsomeness: You can actually see the player's faces ('cause of the no-helmets) and so you don't have to just cheer for a number on a jersey. This translates into increased marketability for everyone.
4. High Scoring: Games regularly go over 100 points (6 points for a goal, 1 for an almost-goal) so there's always something interesting going on.
5. Way Less Down-Time: For all of the similarities in play to NFL, the actual timing is more like soccer. Four 20-minute quarters where the clock just runs, then a bit of time added on by the ref based on injury or scoring.
6. Humour: The trainers run out and give water to the players during the game. Just the mere chance of a trainer getting blown up by a 6'3" 230lbs guy running at top speed is worth it to me. And let's just pretend I didn't say that during a post about concussion avoidance.
7. Free-Flowing: There's way more movement and creativity in an Aussie Rules match. It's more like hockey or soccer that way. Y'know, if you're into that kind of thing.

That's why I think Australian Rules Football could replace American Rules Football. By the way, this is as likely to happen as the aforementioned 2-way NASCAR race.


COMPLETE TANGENT:
I would like to wish a fond farewell to my razor. He was a great one, left it all in the sink. I remember when I first took him out of the package... it seemed like just another day. An in-game replacement back in January and barely an afterthought at the time. But week-in, week-out he kept showing up to the shave. Never took a day off. It wasn't until March that I realized we had something special going on.

I'll be honest with you - I didn't believe he'd keep it up. It was unthinkable! But I didn't factor in his desire; that passion for shaving I'd never seen before and never will again. This razor was Cal Ripkin Jr, Jahangir Khan, and Yasuhiro Yamashita all rolled into one. He was born to shave.

If I had to share an anecdote it would be two shaves last May. He faltered and we all held our collective breaths... there was a cut. Was this the end? If it were anyone other razor we would have pulled him right away. That's a career ending injury! Even though the call was close we ultimately decided that his months of service deserved another chance and he paid back that loyalty with weeks more of solid duty.

When the streak finally ended last week my razor had put in over 20 weeks of service to the organization, the fans, and all of his medicine cabinet teammates. He will be fondly remembered as a role model not only to other young razors, but to all of us with a dream and the will to make it happen.

Bill C-38

Website for the blackoutspeakout campaign:

http://www.blackoutspeakout.ca/

Text of the speech by Elizabeth May to the House of Commons:

http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/06/04/point-of-order-2/